Here comes Peter Cottontail,
Hoppin’ down the bunny trail,
Peter’s on his way…
…On his way to the Rabbit Run Bar and Lounge. It’s one of his favorite places. Peter was a former jock at the local high school and relives his glory days down at the bar.
So Peter enters and says hi to all of the old crowd of hero worshippers and hanger ons who still want to hang out with him, because, sadly, that is as good as life will get for them.
Suddenly, he sees someone sitting at the bar and he stops in his tracks like he got hit with an anvil.
She was beautiful and sexy and a thousand other words that all meant the same thing. She was Honey Bunny.
- Honey Bunny was so fine, she could make a blind man see.
- She was finer than powdered sugar and twice as sweet!
- She was so fine that Peter would suck her daddies dick. DAMN!
All of Peter’s friends crowded around him. Tommy Tenderfoot, Bugs and that little punk Stewart Rabbit. They all began coaxing their hero to go and put the moves on sweet Honey Bunny.
“PETER. PETER. PETER. PETER,” they started chanting.
Peter pulled up his collar and adjusted his redneck trucker hat. He walked up to Ms. Bunny and said:
“What’s your favorite silverware? Because I like to spoon!”
His acolytes howled with laughter. “You’re the man,” said Tommy.
Honey Bunny did not respond. Peter tried again.
“If I had to rate you from 1-10, I would rate you as a 9 because I am the one that you are missing.”
Bugs jumped to give Peter a high five, but missed and busted Tenderfoot upside the head. Still, Ms. Bunny did not reply. Peter was looking irritated but then turned back to her and said:
“As long as I have a face, you’ll have a place to sit.”
Stewart jumped up and said:
“That because you’re gonna to sit on his face, bitch!”
Honey, turned and gasped at his vulgarity. Out of the shadows, a figure approached.
“Gentlemen, I think it’s time for you to leave the young lady alone.”
“Who the fuck are you,” demanded Peter Rabbit.
“My name… is Gangster Black,” said the tall dark rabbit. He was one of the black bunnies talked about in the storybooks but few of the rabbits in these parts had never scene a black bunny before.
Honey Bunny turned with a lot of shock and surprise as she recognized that name. She jumped off of the barstool and hopped over to throw a warm embrace on Mr. Black.
“Hey Baby,’ he said!
All of the rabbits watched as she bounced across the room. Her figure was spectacular. But as much as they enjoyed watching her move, they hated watching her hug Gangster. Suddenly, they all remembered who he was. He went to their high school, but left the school after just a few months.
“You idiots are drooling over her and you don’t even recognize her. I knew her when she had braces on her teeth.”
“You see, right now, you’re falling all over yourself because, look at her. She’s the hottest bunny you’ve seen in years, she’s got the softest, rounded tail you will ever see and you know that they have trying to recruit her to be a Playboy Bunny. Yeah a Playboy Bunny,” Gangster continued. “But see, she was hot with her braces in high school, but you just couldn’t see it. Even now, you just think that she is sexy because she’s so pretty and has such a killer body. But she is SMOKING HOT SEXY because she’s so smart. See, you need a dummy bunny next to you so you can feel smart. This babe is out of your reach and out of your league.”
“Oh, and you think you’re in her league” Smirked Peter?
“You’re Got-Damned right,” answered Gangster Black. “‘Cause I’m a real O.T. – An Original Thumper, not a wannabe jumper, like yourself. Ever since she was fifteen, Honey Bunny has been special. It’s just that the rest of the world was filled with the Kardashians, the Duck Dynasties… and you. Total distractions and with nothing to offer the world. She on the other hand started her own company when she was 23. 23 man. What are you doing when you were 23. Trying to get some tail at the Bunny Ranch, talking about all of your old exploits of running from the farmer?”
Now this was about all Peter could take and he was starting to get really pissed.
“Well, you know what, O.T. Mr. Gangster Black. Nobody wants you in here. Especially around our women. Peter took a step towards Honey Bunny but Gangster stepped in from to of her.
“Ms. Bunny. Would you like to leave with me, or do you want to stay here?”
“I would certainly prefer to leave with you Mr. Black.”
Peter became apoplectic. Enraged. Furious.
“You Bunny Bitch. What does he have that we don’t , that you would run off with his kind?”
Honey walked around OT, looked Peter right in the eye and said “He’s got looks, brains, class…. and…”
“And big feet mutherfucka,” said Gangster Black. “You do know what they say about a rabbit with big feet?” Gangster began roaring with laughter.
“Awww that’s bullshit. That’s just a myth they made up because of Obama,” yelled Peter.
“Well, look at my feet and look at yours,” laughed Mr. Black.
“Aw, um, well… It’s just cold in here,” was Peter’s retort.
“Yeah. It’s cold,” said Stewart Rabbit, trying to stand tall and menacing.
“Man, how you gonna step up and talk smack Stewart Rabbit,” said Gangster. “Back the fuck up before I turn you into Rabbit Stew.”
He winked at Honey Bunny.
“You get it? Stewart Rabbit. Rabbit Stew?” He exploded with laughter.
Well, now the whole crowd was angry. Certainly Stewart didn’t like being laughed at and Peter, as the leader of the pack, decided the time had come to kick some ass.
“Your mouth done wrote a check your ass can’t cover,” Peter said and raised his fists. Stewart, Bugs, Tommy and the crowd gathered menacing around him in a semi-circle.
“Oh man…. You didn’t want to do that,” muttered Gangster, who then whistled for his nephews Gabe and Mikey. “Fellas, handle my light work.”
Gabe and Mikey used their MMA and Karate skills to tear the crowd apart, leaving the group scattered on the floor.
As the punked out rabbits lay on the floor, groaning and moaning from their injuries, Gangster spoke again.
“Now you fellas disrespected Honey Bunny. But because I’m a peaceful man, I let Gabe and Mikey handle this matter. If you leave now, we’ll leave it at that. But if you don’t, I’ll call in their brother “Little Man Dan” the terror Tarrytown Heights.”
At the mention of Little Man Dan, Stewart feinted, crashing headfirst onto the floor. Peter Rabbit knocked down and ran over three rabbits who were in his way as he burst through the door and ran out of the bar. The rest of the rabbits followed him out, dragging Stewart with them. The remaining patrons in the bar all cheered.
Gabe saw them running out of the door.
“Hey Mikey,” Gabe said. “Look at those punks running for their lives,” he said laughing.
“Wait. Huh? What? Where?” replied Mikey.
“Never mind,” Gabe grumbled.
Honey Bunny approached Gangster Black and bent forward and kissed him on the cheek.
“My hero,” she said.
Gangster bought his nephews some green tea, put on some rap videos and turned his attention to Honey Bunny.
“You do know how this turns out don’t you,” he asked?
“Yes,” she said. “We’ll live happily ever after!”